Man of Steel: A Tribute to the Unsung Heroes Among Us

Photo credit:www.ctvnews.ca 

With the opening day of the new superman movie, "Man of Steel" and Father's Day vast approaching, I have a confession to make...

...I take my husband for granted.

Or rather, to be more specific, I often take my husband's fathering skills for granted.

You see, my husband did not have the best example to follow for how to be a good father. Without going into detail, suffice it to say that there has been a lot of disappointment in the fatherhood department. Contact over the years has been minimal; it has not been deep. It has not been fulfilling.

I have cried many tears over it. My husband has none left.

You would think that a lack of a present and caring father in my husband's life would make him detached, distant, cold, and harsh with his own children.

In fact, he is the complete opposite.

He is completely involved in each of their four little lives. He can make dinner, give baths and type out a Facebook status like a parental pro. He reads "The Last Unicorn" to his daughters to share his love of fantasy novels, and builds hot wheel and marble tracks with his sons to display his feats of engineering.

He is unafraid to wade into the bog of "Teaching Your Pre-teen About Reproduction" when his eldest daughter was adamant about understanding "what is this sex thing all about". He is equally unafraid to clean up the vomit-coated toys in the toy box when his son was unable to get to the bathroom in time.

I was able to confidently leave him with three little dependent people for 10 days when I went on a trip to Africa and he survived! The house was even clean when I came home. He can do everything I can do as a mom -- and some even better!

Simply put...he is a loving and engaged father.

I still marvel at that.

How is possible that a man with virtually no good example of what a be-there-everyday-clean-up-after-my-child-without-complaint, could be that very thing?

And the more I have thought about it, I have come to realize that I know many such I-can't-believe-how-awesome-he-is kind of fathers. In an age where fathers have rapidly left the picture, many have chosen to plant their feet and be what they have not had the opportunity to see firsthand.

Here are my thoughts on how this phenomenon occurs:

1.) Never underestimate the power of a praying mother, grandmother, grandfather, etc. I know this to be true for my husband. His own mother and others were committed to pray that he would know the love of God as a heavenly father, and that he would be loved by fathers along the way that would show him a Godly and loving example of fatherhood. I also know that she prayed that he would marry into a family with such a father.

2.) They are able to see the issues and failings of their own father, forgive them and figure out how not to do the same thing. Introspection is key. The successful fathers I know that have not had a great example to follow have been able to honestly face up to the lack, mourn it, allow God to heal it, forgive it and then purpose to be a different kind of dad.

3.) They have determined and planned how to do things differently with their own children. Similar to what I listed above, this goes beyond "seeing" the problem, but actually planning on how to do things differently. That old adage rings true: "fail to plan...plan to fail." The successful dads I know have already thought through how they will parent in certain scenarios. They have also asked friends and family to help them to stay accountable and engaged with their children. I love this about them!

And...unfortunately, I know a few not-so-good fathers who have come from some of the best there are out there. Once again, I see that being a lovingly engaged father comes down to a choice to be that very thing.

4.) They pray, pray and then pray some more. We all know that parenting is one of the toughest gigs out there. For those men who have not had a good example of fatherhood and in fact, may have had a terrible example of fatherhood, the very idea of being that man terrifies them and brings them to their knees on a constant basis.

5.) They marry a wife that believes that they are more than their childhood would say they could be. If there is anything I've learned about marriage over the past 14 years is that a husband needs to be a rock star, super hero, and an MVP in their wife and family's eyes. There can never be too many words of affirmation, pats on the back or jobs well done. And this is even more true for a man who has had a lack of parental love, support and presence. If you believe in him, he will believe in himself.

I know that it's not this simple and formulaic, but I know these things to be true in my bones. I know many wonderful fathers who have risen above their own wretched experience and have become more. I know it has not been easy, but I know they have each made the choice to do it.

I admire it.

I respect it.

I am in awe of their dedication.

So, for all of you fathers out there who are choosing to be lovingly engaged in your children's life, I heartily cheer you on and celebrate you!

You deserve all the accolades of the finest athlete and biggest super hero!

And to my husband...honey, you are our "man of steel" and you are loved.

Photo Credit: sofiasprimaryideas.blogspot.com 

ADHD is Not Going to Win...

It's been awhile since I posted.

One of my most recent posts was "Switchback Life" where I wrote about the journey that we were undertaking in getting our second daughter diagnosed for suspected ADHD or Dyslexia.

At that time, it seemed like a truly insurmountable task, but I knew that it was a journey that I needed to embark upon and with haste. So, I summoned up my inner Mama Bear and and waded through the morass of figuring out where we should go and how much it would cost us, etc.

Surprisingly, after all my prevaricating and procrastinating, it only took two phone calls, a Google search and a post on a Facebook group wall. Armed with a few names of local neuro-psychologists who were deemed "amazing," I called our insurance and was told that while our health insurance didn't cover testing, the mental health component of it did. So, I called them next and was given two names/choices and told that we had 48 visits per calendar year at $10 per visit.

Thankfully one of my top choices was on that very short list.

Dr. Bradley Schuyler of Brain Power Learning Institute is the neuro-psych whom we chose. Since he is a popular, busy doctor, when I called to make an appointment, I had to schedule two months out to get his first available -- which was an appointment only for me and my husband. We also were given four consecutive weekly appointments for Hadley to do assessments. We were sent a large packet of assessment paperwork and were asked to give our opinion on her physical/mental/learning history.

As we worked through the large packet, it became apparent to us that we were on track as we answered questions about impulse-control issues, hyperactivity and concentration issues. Somehow seeing so many  of the things she has struggled with on paper made me feel like we were headed somewhere where people understood where we were coming from.

Two months later, we walked into the office with our hefty packet and handed it over to the receptionist and waited our turn to meet with Dr. Schuyler. As I sat there nervously anticipated getting started on the process of getting answers and help for our girl, I looked around the waiting room and took it all in...


...the mom pulling her son backwards in the line and whispering not quite softly enough, "personal space!"

...the small child tap, tap, tapping his feet and then dancing around with energy just aching to burst forth and the mom's weary, "settle DOWN!"

...the young teenager talking about why she didn't remember to bring something home from school and her irritated mom reciting for the umpteenth time I'm sure, "if you can't be responsible, then you won't be given privileges!!"


It felt all too familiar....but at the same time while it was sad to see some of those same things we've dealt with, it was also oddly comforting to be in a place where our child fit in and was not the "odd ball." Here everyone would have "issues," and that was okay because we would be working together towards a solution.

We were called back by Dr. Schuyler, who had read our assessment packet. We shared our concerns with him and he talked to us about his experience and work in the field of neuropsychology. I really liked him and his candor. He is very down to earth. And I felt like he understood our feelings as parents, having two children his own family with ADHD.

He told us that Hadley would be taking one or two computer based tests that would show whether she had ADHD or not. Sometimes one (the "IVA") is enough to indicate ADHD and sometimes the other (the "TOVA") is needed to confirm. They both test in similar but different ways.

Week one came and Hadley took the IVA. We were told to prep her by telling her that she would be taking the "most boring test in the world," but to do her absolute best so that it would be accurate. Then Dr. Schuyler met with Hadley to do some assessments. Afterwards, we talked and he felt like she didn't give the test her best shot. So, we would come back on week two and take the TOVA.

After our second appointment, after Hadley took the TOVA and Dr. Schuyler did a few more tests and evaluation, she was diagnosed with ADHD.

After all the trauma I have felt about my baby being "damaged" or "different" and my own feelings of guilt and self-doubt, I was surprised at the emotion I felt when he gave his diagnosis:

Relief.

Now, at least, we had a name. We had a "something" to research and Google and work with and battle and accept, but hope to change.

Now the "something" that was different about our child had a shape and form.

In our first appointment with Dr. Schuyler, he had shared about where things are now for children with ADHD and what therapies work or not depending on the age of the child. He gave us some great handouts that he's created. And, after looking at all the options and weighing them, we decided to try medication...

...something that is undoubtedly very scary for parents and children alike, but what desperate parents hope can will be the magic panacea that snaps your child out of the world they are living in and into something that is easier and maybe even more "normal."

Dr. Schuyler faxed his medication and dosage recommendation over to our pediatrician who is the one who writes the prescription since she is the one qualified to do so.

And it's been a challenge and a blessing. I gave her the first pill too late on the first day and she was up at 1 a.m. with insomnia. There have been headaches and tummy aches and general tiredness. It's not easy to know what is "normal" and what is medication side-effects. I've been keeping a list with times/complaints.

However, reading a book seems markedly easier for her. Instead of refusing to read after the first few pages and stumbling over words, it's coming out smoother and quicker and books are being finished.

So, we are continuing the course, and tomorrow will be her first re-test with medication in her system. They will assess whether she is on the correct medication/dosage. I'm bringing in my list to share her complaints. They seem to have it down to a science (literally) with the testing to make sure children are not over-medicated ("Zombie Kids").

And once they have that figured out, there will be more assessing to see if she is like the other 80% of ADHD children who have a secondary processing disorder like dyslexia (which is often why children have historically been over-medicated because the ADHD is under control and now the secondary disorder is showing up with similar symptoms).

Overall, I feel confident that we are going to get the help we need here. And although medication is not our first choice of treatment, we are hopeful that as Hadley gets older and hits puberty, she will be able to depend less on medication and will be able to do more of the Brain Power's therapies/programs to "re-wire" her brain and hopefully be medication-free one day.

As I reflect back on the last few years, I can't help but marvel at this journey. I've learned that parents should trust their gut instincts about their children. If you suspect that something is wrong, something probably is wrong. I've also learned that trying to explain abnormalities/issues away as "just who they are" as a coping mechanism can sometimes just be denial. And finally, I've learned that just because my child has issues that need addressing, I don't need to internalize it, ignore it and pretend it's not there, make it a personal reflection of myself, or assume it has anything to do with her intelligence level.

More importantly, I've learned that neuropsychological issues are a genetic issue. My daughter was born with a beautifully-different brain -- as so many have (1 in 10 "they" say). She is not defective. She is just different. I will not fault her for being born with an underdeveloped pre-frontal lobe in her cerebral cortex, than I would with any other health disorder or disease like asthma or allergies.

I choose to fight for her health and wholeness. For a healthy self-esteem...that she would not feel "stupid" and "dumb" because reading is such a challenging chore that leaves us all exhausted and upset. I choose to help her moderate her impulsiveness and help her to not say or do things that will bring her or others pain.

I choose to look ADHD in the face and declare that it will not consume my beautiful daughter or her family.

We will prevail.

And while it's not an easy journey, it's a worthy one.