Yesterday morning when we drove back from Ngorongoro to Arusha, we were oddly quiet in our Land Cruiser.
There was a lot to reflect on and think about. While I was so thankful to have been able to return to Tanzania (I honestly thought my trip in 2008 might be my first and only), I wondered once again if I would ever get to come back.
The thought of not doing so filled me with such sadness. Even though the car was quiet and the view was breathtaking, I felt like I needed more "space," so I grabbed my iphone and earbuds and tried to find something to suit my mood.
Because of the amount of photos I planned to take on this trip, I pared down my apps and music considerably, so without wi-fi, I didn't have a lot to work with.
I listened to a few songs, but then happened upon "In Your Eyes" which was originally performed by Peter Gabriel, but was sung by Nichole Nordeman on my version.
I've heard this song many times before. It's one of my favorite "oldies" from the 80's (the movie, "Say Anything," anyone?) But this time, as I churned through all the emotions I was feeling, it was like I was hearing it for the first time. You can play it below or while you read on from here.
I was especially struck by verse two:
Love, I don't like to see so much pain So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away I get so tired of working so hard for our survival I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive And all my instincts, they return And the grand facade, so soon will burn Without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside
In your eyes The light the heat In your eyes I am complete In your eyes I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes The resolution of all the fruitless searches In your eyes I see the light and the heat In your eyes Oh, I want to be that complete I want to touch the light, The heat I see in your eyes In your eyes, in your eyes
And as I heard those words gazing out at the beautiful landscape, I heard it not as a love song between a man and woman, but as a cry to my Father God about how I had been feeling.
Something has to change.
I think about my world back at home and how many people live without purpose. So many who live without joy. So many of us who are not thankful for the bounty that we have been blessed with. How we get helplessly entangled in our "issues" which keep us bound with head bowed and only looking at me. Me. Me.
I am getting on a plane in the next few hours and cannot bear the thought of going back to that way of life.
Not when I've seen what I've seen, and felt what I've felt, and cried the tears I have cried.
I am completely desperate for the "resolution of all the fruitless searches" in my life when I know about how life can be here and how difficult everything is, but how joy flows here despite all of that.
Yes, I am going to step up on my soapbox and sound the call for those whom I love to join in me in this quest. That we would we truly let God burn away our "grand facade" and "reach out from the inside" and share all that we have been given. That we would give our very life away for the sake of others who need what we can give.
Little Eema is worth that.
And James, who is infinitely more than merely a "driver", is worth that.
And Latifah who wanted us to hear her sing a song of welcome and greeting.
And all the children of Ngarenaro Primary School and the tens and hundreds of thousands of other students in this city and this country.
God...may it be. Without a noise and without my pride, I want to be that complete....in Your Eyes.